For the love of all that is holy, it's a conversation, not a Mother May I game!

Stone Soup is usually pretty normal in their family relations. However, we've started a plot where Val, the redhead is having upheaval because of confusion about the direction her relationship with her longtime boyfriend Phil is headed.  They were both happily plunked in "not getting married" but now the waters have been muddied.

What drives me crazy is her reaction.  She doesn't know what her feelings are about marriage, which is fine.  But she reverts to the classic "he must ask me" stance that is not in keeping with the tone of the rest of the strip.  

Val, all you have to say is something like, "Let's have a chat about where we are now with the whole marrying thing."  And boom!  You and your partner can come to a conclusion together. 

Guess what arrived on my doorstep today?

Why it's the special Thanksgiving issue of the Oregonian.  The one that I specifically called and said I didn't want and they cheerfully agreed that I wouldn't get and wouldn't be charged for.  Will they charge me for it?  Most likely.

Oregonian, you have got to be kidding me.

Just in case you don't want to out-click, I'll transcribe for you:

Thank you for being an angry and reluctant subscriber to The Oregonian.  We are sending you this sneaky postcard with many words to tell you that your subscription includes the newspapers published on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  These two newspapers are piled high with advertisements and have practically no news content to them.  We know that you, along with many other subscribers, grabs the three inch pile of ads and immediately transfers it to the recycling bin so you can get to the actual content of the paper which is, of course, news--not that we're doing much of that anymore.  And remember a few sentences ago when we said that the extra newspapers are included in your home delivery subscription. What we really mean is that we are actually going to charge you extra, three dollars (that's two dollars above the regular newsstand price) for the Thanksgiving Edition and one dollar (which is more than you pay for your weekday paper) for the Christmas one.  So be aware that your bill may come sooner than usual because of this.  If you've read this far and comprehended that we are completely screwing you over, please call our Customer Service Department where you can wait on hold for long periods of time before someone attempts to assist you.

Have a joyful Holiday Season, sucker.  

(We hope you will stop subscribing so we can claim circulation declines and forgo publishing altogether because we now pay our reporters based on how many "likes" and "pins" they get, not on their actual competence as a reporter. I mean really. The "free press" is so twentieth century.)

Your "friends" at the Oregonian.

Wrinkled newspaper.

It's weird, the way the paper arrives.  Rather than just stacking all the sections in the middle and folding once, there are various configurations of sections and often just the front page is wrapped around a stack of sections.  This leaves the front page rather wrinkled and strained. This was something that was never a problem, before the advent of the tabloid format.

That's right, Oregonian. You keep telling yourself you are doing a good thing.

Self-congratulatory pablum like this pisses me off.  I'd love to know where all the grumblers like me hang out so we could gripe together.

Oh wait, it's probably the Internet.  I'm already here.

New columnist bugs.

We used to have the Ethicist, which was a great column, but like many good things in the Oregonian, the Ethicist dissappeared.  Olive Gallagher has appeared and I'm always amused how she prints letters that praise her or agree with her.  I find this so off-putting, I have trouble paying attention to what she's saying.

Happy birthday America! You readers of the Oregonian, get ready to grumble!

It's America's birthday, so why don't we, as the publishers of the Oregonian, debut yet another annoying feature.

See this wrap-around ad?  You have to open the entire paper and tear it off from the front page.

I'm all for rules and regulations, but can't this be done electronically?

In the past few months rules in the health care and mortgage industry have kicked in and now we get a monthly statement from HomeStreet Bank telling us about our mortgage which is auto deducted.  Plus, after every appointment at Kaiser (I go once weekly for UV therapy for psoriasis) I receive a mailing telling me how much UV therapy supposedly costs.

I have an entire electronic thing set up at Kaiser so I don't have to get these types of things, so why don't they come via that?  And HomeStreet, it would be great to opt in to something like that for the mortgage notification.

Another stunning generalization that takes my breath away.

"Jared Padgett's extended family knew him as a happy, chatty person who was quick to hug, full of love and had a goal in life, unlike many teenagers."

Um.  Most all of the teenagers I've encountered have goals.  I myself had goals for my life when I was a teenager.  Most of them weren't really realistic and didn't come to pass, but that doesn't meant I didn't have them.  How about giving the upcoming adults some credit?

This is not a member of the marching band!

Text under the picture says, "The Union High School Marching Band takes part in Saturday's Rose Festival Grand Floral Parade."

Huh.  I remember band as looking more like people in unisex uniforms carrying instruments and playing and stuff, but I guess things have changed since my day.

(There is half of a flute pictured, on the right side of the picture. Also, picture caption writer, you might tell us from whence the Union High School came.  Because I have no idea.)

Actually, Oregonian Editorial Board,

Pumping my own gas does not fall under the heading of "personal freedom" in my world. It falls in the category of odious task I'm happy to pay someone to do.  

Seriously! Don't mess with one of the best quirks about this state.

What is it that stars get to do?

Recently, three (male) basketball players at the University of Oregon were removed from the team (though they waited until after the playoffs) because they sexually assaulted another UO student.  They maintain it was consensual, the woman says it was not, and the Eugene Police Department declined to prosecute, citing lack of evidence.  Susan Nielsen wrote an opinion piece about the incident. One sentence took my breath away.

Did you catch that? 

 "...treats its athletes like stars and then expresses shock when they behave accordingly." 

So that's what stars do?  Rape?

I'd love if we could move rape into something that is assumed will not happen rather than something that is stupidly, insanely, infuriatingly common.

Catching insidious sexism in Parade Magazine.

Ah, the profile of real moms.

"It would be a lot harder if she didn't have so much help at home from her husband..."

Why is what the husband does at home "helping"?  Does he not live there too?  Does he also "babysit" his own children?  

Tabloid format and recipes? No go!

Here I am on the train, reading my paper.

And here I am reading the recipe for Greek-Style Souffleed Omelet.

And here I am having to turn and read over the fold.

In the old, pre-tabloid days, printing a recipe over the fold was no big deal because you could just open the paper and cut the recipe, right over the fold.  But now two parts of the recipe are on two different pieces of the newspaper. Which means taping things together.  Grrr.

The Oregonian goes tabloid.

Here it is folks!  Transformed indeed.

You still have to pull things apart into sections, but now the fold is only on the left, not down the middle of the paper.

It's about the layout, stupid.

We have our tabloid format, which I've already expressed my displeasure about.  And now there is another problem.  Here's how big the tabloid paper is when folded open.  It's too big to read on the train that way, so I fold it in half.

Except what the hell am I supposed to do when I get to the middle of the column?

I'm not sure what I did in a previous life to deserve what has become the Oregonian, but I'm very, very sorry.

Get over the "bulking up" ladies. Or at least stop writing newspaper articles about it.

I can't tell you the number of articles I've read over the years about the subject.  It drives me crazy.  Big muscles are very cool.  Quit trying to be diminutive and tiny.

Look at our lame new size!

Before, we had the long skinny paper, as pictured on the right.  After, we will have the short, stubby tabloid-style on the left.  But right now?  We have both.

A two-sized paper is annoying for the following reason.  Here is the normal mode of transport for the paper.  It tucks nicely in my bag.

Right now, we have two different sizes, resulting in a hangover flap thing that doesn't tuck away very easily.

This will last until April, when it all becomes tabloid.

Oh by the way, did we mention we would stop publishing the community news section?

No?  Funny, it must have slipped our minds.  But no matter, this is the last time you will see one.

Oregonian down the drain. The hits just keep on coming.

To summarize the above article: Hey!  Now that you only get a newspaper four days per week, we're also going to turn that newspaper into a crappy tabloid format.  It will be great?  Why?  Because we say so!