My brain feels flabby.
This is not unlike the feeling I get when I attempt to do pushups after
I “haven’t gotten around” to them for some time. So it’s hard for me to think of things to
write about and hard for me to sit down and write and just hard in general to
get back on that horse/get back into the game/get on up/get to it.
And I love writing, so there really isn’t any reason I
shouldn’t be writing. It’s just that
sometimes, when I get stopped, starting becomes harder again with every passing
day. I’d like to say this is a problem
just with writing, but it happens again and again. Currently, I’ve missed a few days** of my
15-minutes-per-day-of-weeding plan, and it is very hard to get back out there.
It seems when I don’t do a regular thing regularly that the
“not doing” piles up larger and larger in my brain. From the small slice of garden I can see
right now, things haven’t much changed in a week and getting back out there
wouldn’t be any big deal. But in my mind
I find it hard to break the “not doing” cycle and get back out there.
I’m not entirely sure why this happens to me, but I’ve got a
few theories.*** One is that I have too
many interests. I stopped writing essays
because the class I was taking started taking up more and more of my time. But then I didn’t start again after the class
was over because I was sewing a dress and that took up the time that was going
to the class. Aside from general
household and body maintenance (cleaning, working for pay, exercising,
meditating, keeping track of finances and cooking) here’s what I would love to
be doing every day: writing, gardening,
sewing, playing and singing music, and reading.
A normal day means doing all of the things above in the parentheses and
maybe one other thing from my love to be doing every day list. This means that once per week I get to do one
thing from that list. It’s rather
discouraging.
I would love to arrange things otherwise, but until a large
chunk of my day doesn’t go toward working for pay, I have to grab the bits and
pieces I can and integrate them the best I can.
Or, I could let go of most of those interests, which doesn’t seem like
that much fun to me. So sometimes things
get left behind, sometimes things get dropped entirely. Sometimes it just takes me longer to find my
way back to things than I would like.
But this is a good first step.
*This is a made-up fact.
** “a few days” is what I always use to describe the period I
haven’t been doing something periodical.
It can mean anything from a few days to a few months to a few seasons.
***My mind never shuts off, so thinking of theories doesn’t
ever stop.
I so struggle with this right now that I can't even make daily chores to do routines. I am always impressed by your plans for 15 minutes each day here or 20 minutes weekly to do this. I don't even get to that point. I have written a few times in comments about my apathy. I find that it engulfs me a lot. I do keep up with things, but more at the moment they must be done or else. Procrastination or pressure prompting, sometimes that's what I need to get it done. Whatever it is. It's that or my OCD hits and I just can't stand it, whatever it is, anymore and then that gets done. I know there has to be another way. For me, it is also work that takes up so much time. I can never seem to step away. Even in my new role, which has less or should I say different time pressures. It seems that my main drive is as a worker bee. And then when that is done I become a complete lump. Interesting...
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